The only girl
by LuckyStarPham
Summary: Steve tries his best to move on without Catherine, but it's easier said than done. "Catherine isn't the only girl in this world. Yet she is the only girl that matters."


**Hello there,**

 _My good friend, Ms. Inspiration visited me again, and here I am._

 _Just wanna shout out a special THANK YOU to all of my favorite McRollers, the one who have been standing "next to me" through all ups and downs over the past two years. I appreciate the friendships I've striken up with all of you :)_

 _Shout out a special THANK YOU to my beloved fictions writers: Njborba, Justine, Mustachey5, FicreaderT, Mayet, Trish & Julie Bellon. You guys are my endless inspiration._

 _Thank you, Alex O'loughlin & Michelle Borth for giving me so much inspiration & love!_

 _Thank you for helping me out by being my beloved beta reader, Katherine. I will never dare to post it without your help. Thank you for being so understanding hehe!_

 _Thanks for reading and I hope you will enjoy the story! I'd really appreciate if you guys could take time leaving a comment._

 _Disclaimer: All rights reserved for CBS and the managing team of Hawaii 5-0._

* * *

" **The only girl"**

" _Catherine, if you just want out of this thing, why don't you just look me in the eyes and say you want out of this thing?"_

* * *

It has been two months, but it feels just like yesterday. The pain is still there, it doesn't just disappear as he expected, or at least lessen. He asked her if she wanted to out of this thing. Her answer didn't make him feel any better.

He has moved on. For real. As he told her. Faster than anyone expects. He told Catherine he wouldn't wait for her. Not anymore.

And he meant it.

He found a girl. A great girl. Hot, beautiful, blonde, smart, sexy.

Not Cath.

In his world, there are only two types of girls: Cath and not Cath.

Every girl feels the same now.

Just not Cath.

* * *

He goes out with Lynn several times, trying to prove to people – mostly HIMSELF – that he can live happily without Catherine. He isn't miserable when she, once again, leaves him behind.

Catherine isn't the only girl in this world.

He tries to be happy, but it doesn't feel right. You know the feeling when you have to _try_ to feel the happiness. When he was with Catherine, everything was so natural. All those kisses, sex, all the teasing going on... Even just a smile of hers could make him grin all day long. Even just the sound of her calling him "Sailor", teasing him "Sugar Daddy" could plant butterflies in his stomach for the whole day. Her kisses and her touches could put springs into his steps for the whole week.

She didn't need to _try_ to make him happy. He didn't need to _try_ to be content.

Danny was right. Catherine brings out the best out of him. He's the best version of himself whenever she's around. Or maybe...

He should have used past tense now.

All those things feel so far away now. She needs to feel needed. What about him? He needs to feel loved.

He needs to move on, to open another chapter of his life.

"I've moved on. I'm enjoying my life. Didn't you give me that advice all the time?"

"But I want you to be happy. You don't look happy to me", Danny is really annoying sometimes. He keeps complaining even when Steve's dating. He didn't agree when Steve took his time last year. This man is really hard to please.

"I am happy", Steve frowns, feeling the need to defend himself.

"Ask yourself this, Steve? Are you really happy? Show me the grin your Rambotte puts on your face whenever she's around. Show me that stupid smile you always wear when I mention her."

Steve doesn't know what to say. Is it really that obvious? He doesn't even remember that feeling, how to feel that. The last time he remembers having that stupid smile was when she offered to make that cup of coffee for him.

"Telling people that and being truly happy are two different matters, Steven", Danny is just being Danny, sticking his nose into other people's business, even though Steve is aware of the fact that Danny is just trying to look out for him.

"It doesn't matter", Steve is quick to snap back at Danny, " _My only happiness is gone_ ", he almost lets the later half out before realizing what he almost says out loud and tries to keep it back. He's taken back by his inner thoughts himself.

He doesn't let Lynn meet the team, not because he wants to keep her all to himself, but because there is something he doesn't want the team to know.

Lynn is a sexy, open-minded girl. Living in this island means she doesn't really wear much of clothes. Steve isn't that kind of guy. He had never had any problem with Catherine wearing sexy stuff, he actually quite enjoyed it, of course he doesn't have any problem with Lynn now.

Though he doesn't want the team to find out about the tattoo.

A tattoo behind her neck.

A star tattoo.

Exactly like Cath.

The first time he saw Lynn was from behind. She was carrying her surfing board, running, trying to catch up with her friends.

That moment hit him hard.

To be more exact, that star tattoo at the back of her neck hit him hard.

He chased after her as if a moth ran into a flame. No one understood why it happened so hard but himself. He doesn't fall for her, he falls for a feature that means a great deal to him.

Every night, after they have sex, he insists on making Lynn turn her back to him, so that if he wakes with a start during the night, he can see that tattoo; so that he can kiss the tip of the star to feel guarded, to feel closer to... her.

No, not Lynn.

Cath.

* * *

He remembers asking Cath about the meaning of her little blue star in the past. All those years being together, she had never told him until he crawled out of the collapsing building, alive and kicking. He just realizes somethings never change. It always takes a near death experience for them to admit something to each other.

" _Thank you for coming back to me", she ran her fingers along his handsome face._

" _Always!" he smiled at her, feeling grateful that the day was finally over. He pulled her hand, drawing it closer to him, kissing the inside of her palm, cherishing the moment. He was worried, worried that he would never be able to make it, to see her beautiful face ever again._

" _You asked me about my tattoo. Do you want to know what it means now?"_

" _Hum?"_

" _Before the days when people invented maps, satellite and everything, sailors look at the sky, look at the stars to navigate directions. They seek for stars, rely on them to keep them safe, to make sure they can return home safely. They will never get lost if they can find the right stars. I hope no matter where we are, we can always find our way home to each other. I hope no matter where you are, you can always find your way to return to me. And I will always be here, waiting for you to return to me."_

" _Oh you really have your moments, Rollins", he laughed it off, but deep down inside, he was so touched because of the meaning of her tattoo. Now he understood why she didn't tell him earlier. They had never made any commitment, but they both knew they vowed their commitment silently._

* * *

"You have a minute?", Steve asks Chin when he is standing alone in the headquarter, upgrading some new software of the smart table.

"Yes, of course."

"Want some beers?"

"Sure. Just one minute. I will finish this off real quick."

After Catherine left, the whole team has been incredibly supportive of Steve, always showing their willingness to be there for him, which makes Steve really touched. Normally, Steve is confident that he can take care of himself. Physically and mentally. But not today. There are so many things going on in his head.

He doesn't really want to talk to Danny, he doesn't want Danny to hate on Cath. He didn't respond well last time, when Cath didn't come home from Afghanistan. As much as Steve hates her decision right now, he doesn't need to hear any other people criticize her.

"Everything good?", Chin hesitates to ask him, but decides to clear the air anyway. The young man sitting next to him has been aging really fast in the recent two years.

"Yeah."

"Good. Just so you know, I am here for you. If you need me to do anything, just ask."

"Thank you."

Steve smiles softly. He looks like he has a lot to say, yet doesn't know where to start. Chin doesn't want to push him, he just sits there, quietly drinking his bottle of Long Board, waits for Steve to open up.

"I couldn't bring Lynn over my house. I tried, damn, I tried, but that house is like her territory."

"Catherine's?"

"Catherine's."

Steve hasn't said her name in a while. His team understands that, they don't really mention her whenever he's there.

Even just the mention of her name feels like a stab to his heart, right in the center of his open wound. There was a time when no matter how unsettling his life was, just saying her name could calm him, ground him, ease his pain. No matter how lost he was, just silently calling her name, even just whispering in his head could get him back on the right track.

But right now... saying her name is just too much for him. It's like everything is coming back. The moment she said she loved him and he didn't say back. The moment she made a choice, leaving him behind for the second time. The moment she chose a place where he's not. The moment she left everything that they had behind.

"Take your time, Steve. Being like this, jumping into a random girl with a random relationship won't help you get over her. What you two had was real..."

"I'm a healthy man... I don't get any younger... you know?"

Chin doesn't say anything, just looking at Steve finishing his bottle in one knock. He silently offers him a tap on his shoulder.

"Everything will be fine. After all, tomorrow will be another day."

Deep down inside, Steve knows he will never feel whole again without the woman named Catherine. Even though he might not admit it often enough, he has loved her with all his heart for literally half of his life, and now there is nothing left between them. He knows that nothing will be fine ever again.

"I am not good enough for people, am I? Everyone I love and respect keeps leaving me behind. My mom, my dad, Freddie, Mary, my mom – again, then Catherine."

"Don't go there, Steve!"

"It's hard not to go there, you know."

"We are all here for you!"

"I know. And I really appreciate that!"

"Come home! Get some rest."

That's it! That sentence hits home to him. That was the exact same thing Catherine told him when he was in the office, looking through all the camera footages. He was so tired, so stressed because of the case, yet her presence that night chased away all of his tiredness. The moment she gently touched the middle point of his forehead, caressed his wrinkle and kissed that spot, telling him that she just wish she could take some of the weight off his shoulder so that he could rest, he was so content that he vowed to himself - he would trade anything, even his life, just to keep that moment. He was even convinced that he was the happiest man in the world in that very moment, because she was there – willing to take responsibility, to share the weight and tiredness with him. He remembers saying he couldn't sleep when these guys were out there, and she moved closer to him, stood right in front of him, pulling him into her soft embrace, hugging his face tight. His face made contact with her soft breast. Steve moved his head a bit, buried into her breast, pulling her body even closer, his arms touching just above of her butt, yet surprisingly, he wasn't aroused, wasn't thinking about sex, just felt extremely grateful for her presence. The moment she left a kiss on top of his head, he felt like he never loved her more than that moment.

That night, he actually started looking forward to the day he can come home to his house with her waiting for him. Coming home to her has been always something that he wants more than anything. The thought of popping the question to her, the thought of building a family with her sent him to heaven.

Yet everything crashed before he even realized it.

* * *

"Honestly, if Catherine comes back, will you forgive her?" Chin really hesitates, he isn't sure if he should ask this question because it might be too personal. He knows Steve likes to keep his emotions close to his chest, especially his feelings for Catherine. Everyone can see very clearly how much pain she gave Steve when she left again. Yet no matter what happens, Catherine is always someone Steve wants to protect, even with his life. No one can criticize her, under any form. Chin is totally aware of that.

"The truth is I don't know. Lately, I keep wondering: If my dad knew about what Doris is doing, would he forgive her? Will he open his arms, welcome her come back, pretending like nothing had ever happened?"

"He would. I know he would. They were very much in love. Your dad just loved your mom too much. If you really love someone, no matter what they do, no matter how much they hurt you, you will always find a reason to defend them, to forgive them. Love really can turn a smart guy into such a blind guy. I can see that in McGarrett men."

"Really? It's such a shame that me and my dad had never talked about relationship. I had never had any opportunity to receive a lesson about this kind of stuff from him. When Joe told him about me and Cath, he told me later on what I and Cath had wasn't just a thing, I didn't believe him."

"Didn't want to." Chin thinks it's amusing, so he decides to lighten up the moment.

"Yeah, didn't want to believe him. I was very protective of the "thing" that we had, I didn't want to hear anyone judge that, especially when my dad didn't really know about us. But what can I say, parents know the best!"

"Yeah, even Doris knows you two are so in love."

"I don't know how could my dad ever forgive what my mom has done to him, to this family? My old man was such a loyal guy, wasn't he? Had he ever had any other woman after he sent us away?"

"Not that I know of. He was always concentrated on the case. He never rested. He never so much as looked at any other women. He took care of Ellie later on though, but it's pretty much like a father-daughter relationship. I think deep down inside, John knew something, or better, he felt something. He once told me that he believed Doris could come back to him one day. I didn't believe him though... I just thought the guy missed his dead wife so much... I see a tendency here."

"Thank you for going out with me!", Steve cuts him off. He thinks Chin really reads through him, and he doesn't like that feeling, when he's so exposed in front of someone, especially when that someone isn't Cath.

"Don't mention it", Chin holds back, wondering if he just crossed the line.

"Can you drive me home?", Steve steps out of his train of thoughts about Catherine, about his parents, realizing he had finished eight bottles of beer. He doesn't even realize he had drunk that much. No wonder he is having a headache.

"Absolutely."

* * *

It has been a week since the last time he came home. It seems like he's moved in with Lynn lately, which makes her think things are good between them, but deep down inside, Steve knows it's very wrong of him to use her as a rebound to ease the pain Catherine left for him.

What he and Lynn have... isn't really a thing.

"A thing"? How he could be so dumb that he didn't define the "thing" that she and Catherine had shared earlier? Past tense, again. Realization hits him hard.

That thing wasn't just "a thing". That was love. He loves her. Always loves her.

Will always loves her.

When he's drunk, he becomes more honest with himself. He misses her. Catherine. So badly. He looks at the toothbrush holder once again, wondering if she left it on purpose or just accidentally. Maybe she wasn't expecting he would be so harsh on her. Was he too cruel to her when he said he couldn't wait for her... not anymore? He didn't mean to say that. His own heart broke into pieces when he said that. His mouth acted faster than his heart. He just wanted to say something harsh to her, to hurt her, so that maybe she could change her mind because he couldn't handle that pain. But of all people, he understands her. More than anyone else. Catherine being Catherine. Being stubborn and all.

He loves her for that, yet hates her for that now.

Leaning over his bed – on Catherine's side, he scrolls down his phone. There are some pictures of them from Kono's wedding. He wonders if she knew if she would leave him again back then. Her smiles seemed so genuine, so innocent, as if she didn't have anything to care about.

This time is really different from last time. At least he knew to contact her last time, even when she's in Afghanistan. There was some sort of connection between them. Now, he has nothing. Moments like this... when he's all alone in his house, in their bed – their bed indeed, because there had never been any other woman sleeping in his bed, he just needs to hear her voice... more than anything.

This bed is Catherine's territory.

If he has to endure an extreme torture just to meet her, he would. He's willing to trade anything just to have her in his arms again. He's so ready to walk to Nepal on his feet to see her again.

Yet he chickens out. What if she doesn't need him, doesn't love him anymore? What if she really builds something of her own there... What if...?

He had never felt that uncertain in his life...

If only he could lie on this bed with her in his arms again...

Yet that's a big "if only".

During the darkest moment of his life, Catherine was always the only light he can see. His lucky star. His anchor. No matter how much she hurt him, he can't imagine the day he moves on from her. Just thinking about that possibility paralyzes him. He can't keep it anymore. He texts her old phone number – even though it's very likely that she already abandoned that number just like she abandoned him.

" _Catherine. I tried. I tried hard. I just can't stop loving you. Never thought moving on could be this hard. I thought I could do it."_

" _Let the sacrifice be worth it! I wish you all the best! No matter where you are, no matter what you do, you have to be happy. I want you to be happy, even if it means it kills me, tortures me everyday."_

" _Sorry I was too bitter. Be safe! Be careful!"_

" _I love you! I always, always, always love you!"_

The last message takes all of his strength. He closes his eyes, feeling a warm liquid silently make its way to his face, disappearing into the mysterious night.

Catherine isn't the only girl in this world.

Yet she is the only girl that matters.


End file.
